i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
