1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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