That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
