piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
