WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
