Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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