Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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