Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Randomize
