it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
