im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
