She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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