I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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