I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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