i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
