I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
