Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
