I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
