Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
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raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
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It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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