My underwear smells like fireworks.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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