if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
