i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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