Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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