I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
