I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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