Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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