You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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