If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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