there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
