I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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