dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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