you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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