My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
