She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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