Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
