so that wasnt chicken after all
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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