Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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