We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
