All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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