I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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