I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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