My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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