just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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