lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Operation Purity has been aborted
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
