Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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