also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Randomize
