Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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