She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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