I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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