im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
