it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
