gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
