I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
