Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
