doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
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My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
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What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize