bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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