I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
