drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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