Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
