1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
