I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
