I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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