How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
