I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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