nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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