My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
