I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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