I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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