God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think my moral compass just broke
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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